3000 miles to graceland

There was a bit of booking so horrendously bad that it killed an entire national wrestling fed. What was it? Who was the focus of it? Click to find out.

Greetings, and welcome to What Were They Thinking?, where I examine the worst angles, gimmicks, matches, skits, characters, and everything else that can be bad in pro wrestling. Each entry will be ranked by a system of 'skulls' rather than 'stars'. Whereas getting several stars is a good thing, getting several skulls is a bad thing. The system works like this:

N 1 Skull = This wasn't too bad, but could have been better.
NN 2 Skulls = Step it up, people!
NNN 3 Skulls = Were you even trying with this one?
NNNN 4 Skulls = Oh, now you want us to change channels, don't you?
NNNNN 5 Skulls = Shoot me � SHOOT ME NOW!!!!!

Aside from the rankings, I'm also going to break down the item in question and give my own take on it. There will not be a set number of entries for every column; it mostly depends on what I feel deserves an entry. (Think of this as WrestleCrap without the shilling.) I know some of you were expecting a weekly column about the nationally-televised wrestling shows, but, lately, things have been looking up for the biz (that wasn't a Hornswaggle reference; I swear) and I'm finding it hard to pick out anything truly bad without delving into the realm of nitpicking, and I don't want to do that just for the sake of having something to type. But everything cycles, and I'm positive that, sooner or later, things will take a turn for the worst. The WWE is trying to build up to the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania right now and they'll want to keep interest high four what could be considered their two biggest shows of the year. But experience says that, after 'Mania, things will start spiralling down again until SummerSlam or so, and then I'll probably have a lot of ammunition to use. That said, this week's column will only have one entry, but it's probably the most infamous piece of manure since the Gobbledy-Gooker. It was the worst idea to promote a movie that I have ever seen, and it signed the death warrant for World Championship Wrestling. I had the misfortune of seeing all of this unfold live, from the initial appearance of the individual most directly involved to the Pay-Per-View event (indeed, the last wrestling PPV I ever ordered) that capped it off to the 'aftermath' show which revealed everything and caused many to change their dials to RAW and never look back. Let's take a look at......

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David Arquette � WCW World Heavyweight Champion


DATE: April 26, 2000, WCW Thunder � May 8, 2000, WCW Monday Nitro


SYNOPSIS: Eric Bischoff, angered that Diamond Dallas Page had defeated WCW Champion Jeff Jarrett for the title in a cage match on the previous Monday Nitro, set up a tag-team match with himself and Jeff Jarrett vs. DDP and David Arquette, who had appeared twice before in an in-ring confrontation with Bischoff and then defeating Bischoff via pinfall the same night that DDP took the World Title, for the following Thunder, and whoever got the pinfall would become the new Champion. It was obvious to the viewers that, in kayfabe, Eric had intended for Jeff to pin Arquette and get the belt back. But, in the match, Arquette went straight for Bischoff and ignored DDP and Jarrett, who were left to their own devices in the ring. Arquette dragged Bischoff backstage, and though we saw none of the supposed beating, David returned half-dragging a bloody, battered, and beaten Bischoff to the ring. Page and Jarrett continued to brawl, and while DDP had JJ occupied, Arquette finished Eric off with a Diamon Cutter and pinned him for the three-count and the Championship.


Arquette would appear a few times on the show, defending his title once against Tank Abbot and retaining with help from DDP and Chris Kanyon and a few more in vignettes � one showing him on the set of 3,000 Miles to Graceland and chasing after co-star Kurt Russell, who laughed at the idea of him being Champion, with a steel chair, and the others showing him backstage, scared to death, and constantly trying to give back the title, though Eric wouldn't allow it.


His attempts to vacate the Championship culminated in Arquette stating in the middle of the ring two weeks before the Slamboree PPV that he would put the belt up between DDP and Jarrett at that match and that he would present the title to the winner after the match. Then Bischoff broke into the promo and said that DDP and Jarrett would face each other for the belt at the PPV, but that it was going to be a three-way dance including them and the current Champ, Arquette. He also announced that it would take place in the Triple Cage match, until then only seen in the movie Ready to Rumble (which starred Arquette and featured DDP). The belt would be hung from the rafters, suspended over the highest cage, and the first person to grab it would be declared Champion.


In theory, this sounded like a huge match, and the fans thought that they would see DDP reclaim the title with help from Arquette. However, this was not to be. David immediately scrambled to the top levels while DDP and Jarrett battled it out on the lower floor. As they made it to the second level and began their climb up, Kanyon ran down to help DDP, as this was a no-disqualificiation match, but ended up getting pushed off the top of the second cage. This led to a long angle where he was supposedly paralyzed, but that's a column for another week. As Arquette neared the top, he grabbed a guitar out of the second cage (which was filled with them) and stood like an NHL goalie just in front of the third (and smallest) cage, waiting. As DDP and Jarrett neared the top, Arquette swung straight down..............and nailed Page with the guitar. Jarrett, who had his own trademark silver guitar in hand, also swung, hitting DDP again, and causing him to fall from the wall of the second cage down to the first. Jarrett climbed the cages, ambraced Arquette near the top, then proceeded to grab the title for the win.


The following night on Nitro would be Arquette's final WCW appearance. He appared in a truly gaudy getup and was strutting like he had won the match. Then came the 'big reveal' that the friendship with DDP and everything was just a swerve and that the entire scheme was concocted to belittle Page. DDP then runs out, Bischoff's men scatter, a Diamond Cutter is delivered to Arquette, which leaves him out cold on the ring, and the fans cheered as Page's music hit.


ANALYSIS: Oh, where do I even begin? First, let me say that I was stupid enough to believe that something good would come of this storyline. (Hey; I'd only been online for a couple of years at the time and didn't know about the IWC yet......not to mention that I still thought wrestling was real. Fortunately, by the time WCW folded, I was wise to pretty much everything). Second, I'm not blaming any one person for this (although a lot of people like to put all the blame solely on Vince Russo) because there were so many involved (Russo, Bischoff, Jarrett, etc.), but they all realize now how horrible a mistake it was (there were also probably some in power that could have stopped this before it started if they'd wanted to). Also, let me say that I like Ready to Rumble (yeah; I'm gonna get some mocking feedback from that one for sure) and was excited to see Arquette (whom I'm also a fan of) show up and see the Triple Cage used on TV. Oh, if only I knew....


The first thing they did wrong was not listening to Arquette. As a lifelong fan of the business, he knew that putting a title, any title, on a non-wrestler was a bad, bad move (are you listening, McMahons????). He begged them not to do it, but, apparently, he was contractually obligated to promote the movie in whatever way the higher-ups wanted. He also reportedly tried to have fun with it and make it work, but he could tell that the vast majority of fans absolutely hated it. The best thing to do would have not to done the angle at all, but, if they were gonna do it anyway, they could have at least tried to listen to what Arquette had to say. Might have done them some good listening to someone that had the same POV as their target audience.


Another mistake was in the vignettes that showed Arquette as scared, incapable and/or insecure. It's never a good idea to make people think your champ is weak. Look at Goldberg; he had one of the longest winning streaks ever, capturing the WCW United States and World Heavyweight Titles along the way, and looked invincible doing it. He decimated every challenger for the belt that came along, and when he finally did lose it, it took a cattle prod from Scott Hall to bring him down. They got a title change, and they kept Goldberg strong for quite some time after that. Meanwhile, Arquette was made to look like a total pansy and it the wrong message about the Championship. Never mind that he won it by fluke and didn't even pin the Champ to get it, nor did he pin an actual wrestler; he pinned Bischoff. You want the audience to believe that your Champion is going to be a strong, dedicated star willing to take on and crush anything in his way; not look like he's about to wet his pants.


Finally, the finish to the angle. Had Arquette not swerved DDP in the end and let Page take back the WCW title, this probably would have been better. They'd have gotten their movie promoted, their main face would have been Champ again (as it turns out, this would be pretty much DDP's last chance at the WCW Title), and the fans would have seen Jarrett get his ass handed to him by none other than David Arquette. Jarrett, being the on-screen guy to hate in those days, got the most heat, and most people (myself included) tuned in hoping to see him get his keester kicked (in other worse, a precursor to John Cena). And to see someone like Arquette responsible for Jarrett's ultimate defeat at Slamboree would have been gold. May have even saved the angle.


But alas, it didn't happen. As I said, I'm not blaming any one person for this because it takes two to tango and at least half a dozen to conga. There are many people whose names I would never have any way of knowing who worked on this and some of those could potentially have stopped it. I know how things work in a corporate hierarchy; if he'd wanted to Ted Turner himself could have stopped it. But they didn't. So it's not just Russo (although, reportedly, it was mostly his idea); there's never just one person making these kinds of decisions.


In conclusion, this is what people point to when they talk about the reasons behind WCW's demise, although this was conceived mostly as an act of desperation to save failing ratings. What started killing said ratings in the first place? Bischoff deciding to give away the results of the WWF RAW in which Mankind won the WWF Championship. That backfired in ways nobody could have predicted and signalled the beginning of the end for WCW and the Monday Night Wars. Eric has since said that that was the biggest mistake he ever made and would give anything to go back and fix it. So, for being the angle that was meant to try and save WCW but just put the final nail in the coffin, I give this my first-ever six-skull rating. Anyone who saw this transpire won't fault me for exceeding my own system here; trust me on that. Vfont face=Wingdings>NNNNNN


Aaaaaaaaand that's it for this week. Biggest entry ever, and you probably won't see many this large from me in the future. I realize much of this had probably been said time and time again, but this is something I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now. Also gave me the chance to do a little fantasy booking, which you might as well get used to because I'm probably going to make it a permanent feature. As always, any and all feedback is accepted and I try to respond personally to each one within twenty-four hours of receiving it.

Thousands of drowsy American workers called in sick with the "Halo Flu" this morning, a consequence of the midnight release of the uber-anticipated videogame Halo 3.

The hype surrounding the release will no doubt revive hopes for a Halo flick, which has been mired in development hell for several years now. At one point, Lord of the Rings demigod Peter Jackson had been attached to direct, but the project stalled and eventually went into turnaround. Now, according to IMDB, Fox has purchased the filming rights and is apparently moving forward with some guy named Neill Blomkamp helming.

Here are five reasons why Fox should reconsider:

1. All Movies Based on Videogames Invariably Suck

BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark, Silent Hill and Doom are just a few of the craptastic offerings to hit theaters in recent years. The only viable franchise of the bunch, Resident Evil, owes most of its success to a built-in audience of genre fans eager to lap up any movie featuring zombies and hot chicks.

2. Master Chief is a Lame Protagonist

The hero of Halo, the genetically enhanced supersoldier Master Chief, wears a giant suit of high-tech armor, never reveals his face and hardly ever talks. I can't imagine A-list actors lining up in droves to play that part. Maybe Dolph Lundgren is available.

3. Weak Villains

A successful epic needs a solid villain, like Darth Vader, The T-100 or Khan. Halo's main antagonists are a coalition of alien races known as The Covenant, and they're more annoying than they are scary. And, as any student of history knows, successful evil galactic empires are rarely ruled by committee.

4. Who the Hell is Neill Blomkamp?

Blomkamp's most impressive film credit to date is Lead 3D Animator on 3000 Miles to Graceland. It's been a while since I've seen that one, but I'm fairly certain it wasn't a CGI-heavy flick. Now, Blomkamp may very well turn out to be a competent filmmaker, but everything about his hiring smacks suspiciously of "hired gun."

5. Microsoft Looms

Think Microsoft bungled Windows Vista? Just wait until they get their hands on a rough cut of a Halo flick. The Halo franchise is the crown jewel of the monolithic software giant's gaming arsenal, and you can bet the execs in Redmond will be watching the production like hawks, ready to unleash hell on anyone who dares to defy them. The game may be rated M for mature, but expect the movie to be a much more marketable (and thus significantly lamer) PG-13.